It’s been a weird sort of week. The terrible twosome have gotten me addicted to DOTA, I’ve had a snow day and I think I may be falling into stupid.
Nothing feels like it should…if that makes any sense. I’ve always been fairly good at rejecting happiness. It’s not that I don’t want to be happy. It’s just that I don’t really know how to be. I was miserable for the vast majority of my teenage years and somehow I think it’s going to take more than a few years to get over it. How do you write over a decade’s worth of distrust and pain? How do you recode your DNA to not be one that immediately runs away when something good happens?
I’ve spent so much time running away from myself. I get afraid even to think that something good might be happening. I can’t let it happen. I have to analyze and prevariacate and generally be worried about everything. Even when my lovely friends try to beat it out of me I worry like a little girl. And to be fair, what good does it do me? Am I winning anything by being constantly, endlessly mad at the world? Isn’t there a point at which you just have to say, STOP!
I don’t think I can fix this is in a week or a day or a month or a year. I think it’s going to be slow and exhausting and I’m not going to get what I truly deserve until I decide to change. I want to decide. I’ve tried over and over again. But how do you unwrite what’s happened? How do you not predict the future from what came before? Can you? Should you even try?
So I’m a little introspective, hmm? I don’t even know if that’s a good thing anymore.
:(
